Thirty minutes ago, I received word that a friend, mentor and courageous patriot just received word that he has 3-6 months to live. This hit me particularly hard because of the huge role he played in my life as a young fighter pilot and continues to play today. Ray was one of the very first weapon system officers who instructed me in flying the F-111. We met in England in October of 1979. He is a positive, anchored, knowledgeable, and funny role model for me and many others. And, in his words, “don’t forget to mention my extreme good looks and awesome aviation skills.” Ray is part of me, part of my foundation, an architect of who I am.
He started his service to our country in Vietnam, his core values told him then, and still do today, that patriotism, spirituality and strong friendships help define a person. Ray has always kept in touch and fostered our communications while reinforcing those core beliefs so important to all of us. He continues to cement the core of my perspective. I’m grateful.
In his note, today, he shared their decision to not seek further treatment, his thanks for the years he’s been given, and that although he still welcomes a miracle, he and his wife have decided they’ll be even more pleased if the Lord uses this experience to help someone else.
So, I feel compelled to write this note, with hope you will find a greater perspective, make changes for the positive, look at the value of real contribution, and find a fuller appreciation for every day. Even as you read this, I bet there are a bunch of urgent, less-important distractions asking for your time and attention. Did you start today reminding yourself to stay focused on what’s really important?
I know you. Thousands of you have shared your thoughts and I recognize we live a similar existence. We face similar challenges. Whether aligning our schedules with what should be our priorities… family, spirituality and health, or facing the reality of a finite timeframe, putting off those things we figure we’ll get to later, or going through life tired, angry, frustrated and less effective because of it.
All of this perspective doesn’t do a thing to change our environment, our challenges, nor our shortcomings. I hope, however, it will compel you to take a focused, better-balanced, smarter approach, day in and day out. You can choose to be proactive. Will you?
May I suggest you take a look at what your priorities “should” be? Then go to your calendar and schedule the time. Eugene O’Kelly, in his book Chasing Daylight, highlights what he calls the “inner circle.” These are the people who’ll be with you at the very end. Those you’d invite for a final goodbye. I suggest you elevate them on your priority list, better utilize the limited time remaining, and take control of this runaway train!
Finally, an email message arrived, just as I was finishing this article… as if by fate, and seems to be an appropriate closing:
First, I was dying to finish my high school and start college
And then I was dying to finish college and start working
Then I was dying to marry and have children
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work
But, then I was dying to retire
Now I am dying… and suddenly I realize I forgot to live…
I liked the visual of the tree with roots exposed but still standing thanks to stronger bonds on firmer ground. The inevitable is obvious; time will erode what remains. Prioritizing what’s most important before “too late” happens is the only way we fully live.
Great article and excellent reminder. Thanks.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
4 
0
Bob –
I think this is really well written and compelling. Given that this comes from the heart, I wouldn’t presume to change much.
If this is about past or, most especially, current events in your life, then I offer my sincerest condolences.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Thank you Jim, this is about a current situation, just last Saturday. Good point about the email.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Although never meeting Ray, I immediately like Ray and appreciated what he did. He seemed to find his ‘niche’, and leave an impression, of who he was, and what he was about. I have great respect for him, and know few men like him, but do remember the ones that were, and always will….head
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Robert – One of the most powerful things I’ve seen come from your “pen.” Am both distressed by the news and appreciative that you were able to effectively put your relationship in a context we all understand. J.R.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Bob: It’s moments like these that stop me right in my tracks. For years, my life has been in the urgent and less important distractions section. This is an emotional wake up call that you captured right from the beginning. As you know, I’ll continue to work at changing my life and I hope others will too. My wife and I will keep Ray and his wife in our prayers. Miracles happen every day
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Thank you for sharing…it’s a very strong reminder that life is way too short.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Bob, so sorry to hear that about Ray. I’ll pray for that miracle he needs. Thanks for the reminder to live each day.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Thank you for sharing. Although I have never met Ray, your words have given me a glimpse of someone truly special. I have much admiration for him. To affect the lives of others positively, as he has yours, is the mark of a truly great person. Life isn’t measured, as many might think, by the monetary accomplishments we have achieved or the positions we have held in our jobs or our community. All those things eventually disappear and are forgotten. It’s the positive things we have done for others and the moments of meaning that we have shared that bring about lasting influence and is our true legacy. The world is shaped by people such as Ray, that are brave enough to reach out to others and leave a bit of themselves behind to help support and nurture others. Your words have once again passed on his legacy.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Just 3 things:
1. look at what your priorities “should” be? Then go to your calendar and schedule the time…
2. First, I was dying to finish my high school and start college. And then I was dying to
finish college and start working. Then I was dying to marry and have children. And
then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work. But,
then I was dying to retire. Now I am dying… and suddenly I realize I forgot to live…
3. Thank you for this wonderful message…the reality is that each day we live we are closer to death…we get so busy with “things” that we do not “schedule” the most important ones…always feeling we will have time later on to do them or catch up with important priorities like family, friends…loved ones…and time for things outside of our jobs and day to day responsibilities….what a powerful message to us all to realize time is a gift…and in any second of any day…that gift can be taken away…the best gift we can give to ourselves and our loved ones is the gift our our time…now…not later.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
I had a great opportunity to facilitate a life/work balance presentation today. I was closing the presentation and asked if there were any questions, a member of the audience asked what he could do to get balance now that he is retired. Another participant remarked that he should go back and do the things he dreamed about as a child.
Bob, this made your post even more poignant for me.
Thanks
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Bob, Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s confirmation that I must LIVE everyday LIFE and that there is always a silver lining but I only see it when I search for it. Everything works together to bring about good. Your friend Ray has still changing/touching lives even during this season in his – it’s the silver lining!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Hi Bob, it’s been awhile since we talked. As you know, I lost my first wife at a very young age with breast cancer. I learned that how you live is more important then just living. The greatest thing that came out of that experience is that my kids learned the same lessons at an early age and have taken those lessons through to their lives today. Life comes with no guarantee. It is not fair. It is exceedingly wonderful. It is to be shared with your loved ones, friends and neighbors. Anger ruins the experience and clouds the beauty. Life has no squel. Love every second of it. All my best to Cindy, Heather and Blake.
Bill
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Bob,
I would remind you that your foundation isn’t eroding. You have deep, strong roots or your own and your “branches” have spread wide because of the people like Ray in your life! Cherish all that Ray has meant to you. Hope you can see him again soon.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Bob,
Great article. The only thing I would disagree with is that you don’t know me. That’s because nobody does because I won’t let anyone one in completely! I wish it were different but I am not daring enough and most people don’t want to know the real me. So I go on wearing my mask and trying to do the best I can. Life is short and this was a great reminder that although death is the great teacher, we can learn the lesson before then.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Bob,
Your friend and mentor, Ray, sounds like an amazing person. Your article was a good reminder of what is truly important in the many moments of our everyday.
We will pray for Ray’s miracle and would also like say…… “Thank you!”
for he and his families bravery , contribution, and service to our country.
He is certainly a great patriot who has and is making a positive and lasting contribution to not only his friends and family , but those of us who have never had opportunity to shake his hand.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Here’s an update from Ray’s wife, Paula. Bob
Hi dear friends,
We had another breathing and low SATs scare on Wednesday and I called 9-1-1- and off we went to the hospital. Ray is in the hospital in Fort Walton Beach. He will probably be there for a few more days. His breathing is extremely labored – and so much so that the slightest change of position or activity (can be as simple as sipping water from a straw in a cup) puffs him and he needs recovery time – even with the 15L of oxygen.
It is Ray’s wish to come home with Hospice. We met with the Hospice lady today and they will take care of everything for us once we are home – that is very comforting. He continues to be very much in charge………………and is alert and sharp when he is awake………………he is determined to take care of everything for me ahead of time. What a wonderful guy!
Thank you for all the loving kind expressions of concern and comfort and encouragement and caring that you have shown to us.
We love you……………………..I write through my tears…………………….
Love, Paula
ps If you smoke, please quit – right now!
And if you are male, please get your Prostate checks done on a regular basis
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Ray passed away 30 minutes ago. His docs said he had 3-6 months, he told me he didn’t think so and passed in one week. Paula says,
“Dear dear friends,
My heart is heavy and yet joy is here too – I know he is in a better place and no longer suffering, struggling for every breath. He was such a blessing for my life, and I know for yours as well.”
Bob
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Thanks for sharing Bob !!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I’m taking a day-trip tomorrow that I don’t have time for. It’s with a dear friend who’s been put through the cancer-wringer once before and any chance to spend time with her, I’ll take it. Your post (which I just read today and am truly sorry for your loss) erased any stress I was feeling over neglecting my ‘to do’ list for a day.
Thank you~
Adrienne
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Good call Adrienne.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Bob,
Good words about “Double L”. He was a good man and a great mentor to us WSOs also.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Do not change a thing; just wish I had read it on the 19th when you sent it instead of two weeks later. I think there is a lesson in that somewhere.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Bob,
I too looked up to Ray as a role model for a young 2nd lieutenant and “hope to be” F-111 weapon systems officer. Do you know if Don Lamontagne is aware of Ray’s passing? I will look for Dana Purifoy’s email address and see if I can find him. Take care and thanks for letting me know about Ray.
Henry
Like or Dislike:
0 
0